Published: June 26, 2008 02:51 pm            

Larry Penkava - June 11, 2008

Try saying “Houston, we have a problem” with your nose tightly pinched shut.

The men living at the International Space Station had a very critical problem, indeed. Their toilet was broke.

For two weeks they were forced to manually flush the imperfect privy several times a day, wasting precious water and taxing their olfactories.

Oleg Kononenko was among the Space Shuttle Discovery crew that rushed a toilet part up to the International Space Station last week. The Russian cosmonaut/plumber quickly installed a new pump and, voila, the faulty lavatory commenced flushing to beat the band.

You know, I wonder if the space plumber reveals a gap between his T-shirt and jeans when he bends over, similar to his earthly counterparts. But I digress.

I think I can say with confidence, however, that it’s no doubt the ISS residents felt a sense of relief to have the problem behind them. I know how it is to have backed-up plumbing.

It got to the point that the most pressing issue of the space program was the broken commode. News conferences at NASA became Q-and-A’s about the ins and outs of weightless waste removal.

Besides that, there were all the jokes earthside. Like morning talk show hosts spoofing the conversations between the ISS and NASA.

ISS: Houston, our toilet won’t flush.

Houston: Did you try jiggling the handle?

ISS: Sure did. Still won’t do anything.

Houston: Well, take the lid off the tank and see if the thingamajig is working right.

ISS: You mean the flapper?

Houston: Whatever. Is the chain still attached?

ISS: That’s affirmative, Houston. But the water’s not coming into the tank.

Houston: Looks like you’ve got big problems. We’ll have to send out a plumber.

ISS: Well, tell him to hurry. We’re tired of using the chamberpot.

Houston: Roger, ISS. But it’s gonna cost you.

OK, be honest. Haven’t you been wondering what they do with all that waste material? I know I have.

Somebody said the space program has sent enough junk into orbit that some more waste shouldn’t make much difference. Try driving your shuttle through a cloud of it, though, and see if it makes a difference.

Hmm. Is the space shuttle equipped with windshield wipers?

Anyway, the waste disposal business has come a long way since the outdoor john. You could make the case that tracking the progression of sanitary plumbing parallels human development.

But on the other hand, toilets didn’t used to be attached to our living quarters ...



Larry Penkava, who has written Now and Then since 1994, has the urge to move on to another topic.

        

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