Published: May 29, 2008 11:29 am            

Larry Penkava: May 21, 2008

Dear Nephew,

Your Uncle Ambrose has decided his body will be flushed down the drain - preferably after he dies.

He said he saw a "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation" episode once where a body covered in lye was found in a 55-gallon drum. The lye caused it to decompose much more quickly.

"It wasn't a pretty sight," your uncle said, "but of course it was just a mock-up body, presumably."

The other day your uncle saw where science has developed a way to use that as an option over burial or cremation. The process is called alkaline hydrolysis.

Used now for disposing of lab animals and human parts, your Uncle Ambrose said, the process involves the use of a stainless steel cylinder similar to a pressure cooker. The body is mixed with a solution of water and potash lye, then heated to 338 F under pressure for three hours. No basting is required.

Your uncle said that when the cooking is finished, the body is reduced to a syrupy residue that can be flushed away. Only the bones remain and their ashes can be gift-wrapped for the survivors.

"The piece I read said alkaline hydrolysis residue looks like motor oil and smells like ammonia," your uncle said. "But they say it's so harmless it can be poured down the drain."

I told your uncle that if he leaves one of these days and comes back as motor oil, I'll use him to kill the poison ivy along the border of the yard. He may come in handy after all.

Your Uncle Ambrose said alkaline hydrolysis is considered a more environmentally friendly way to deal with bodies since the leftovers take up less space than a cemetery plot and don't give off carbon dioxide emissions like cremation.

The leftover liquid can be processed by wastewater facilities, your uncle said.

I told him that was almost like getting your water from a well next to a graveyard. You know the water's filtered through the soil but you can't help thinking of Grandma Smith when you take a drink.

Your uncle said cadavers are being disposed of this way at the University of Florida and the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota. They've been pouring the liquids down the drain since the mid-1990s.

I said that probably explains a lot of things that have happened in the country since then. Global warming came to mind.

Your Uncle Ambrose pooh-poohed that idea, saying that everybody knows global warming is the result of the proliferation of cell phones.

"It's all those phone calls bouncing back and forth through the atmosphere that's heating up the earth," your uncle said. "You can't mess with Mother Nature."

I told him if Mother Nature wanted us to be motor oil she'd have put us in quart bottles.

"And besides," I said, "I like the idea of having your body underfoot. But I don't like stepping in ooze."

Love,

Your Uncle Ambrose and Aunt Victoria



Larry Penkava, who has written Now and Then since 1994, can't seem to erase from his mind images of "The Blob."

        

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